Dear Bride-to-be

He came to see me off this time again just as he did last time. Same purpose, same time, same station … but something had changed for good … we were married now … J

I always remind myself how stupid it would have been had I decided to remain single. I would have missed something so solid, so dependable and a world brimming full of love and trust that I have never experienced before.  It is great to be married.

So this is a note to some of those like me going through the mundane routine of finding their Prince Charming. Yes, being a woman’s blog, the thoughts and experiences will obviously be woman centered … any man reading this is welcome to share their views in the comments section J

Recently I had an opportunity to look at the match making routine from a 3^rd person’s perspective and I realized how biased we can be. Biased towards everything we come across in a Man’s “Biodata”. Now Fonow woman defer your judgment until I complete. I know the men do that too but we don’t discount them either.

 The first and foremost thing you see is his looks.” Oh my god he is so gora (fair complexion) … I’m sure he must want a gori … “OR “Look at him, he is no fair and handsome but he wants a fair complexioned woman … I’m sure he wants fair kids … I hope they look straight out of UCB ads  ... (Giggle)”  “Hehehe look at him … a wannabe model ...”

Second place come his qualifications, if he is well qualified, he is either a bookworm, a workaholic or simply BORING. If he is a graduate, he is just a graduate! So below your standards!

Third would be his salary, if it’s higher than us, it’s desirable. The story doesn’t end here, dare he mention the expected salary of his would be bride, He is either cheap or a dowry seeker or looking for a golden egg laying hen! If it’s lesser, he isn’t one of those performing employees! Then comes family background, likes and dislikes expectations from the marriage, etc. etc. The list is endless and yes it’s also subjective to every bride to be … J

Honestly, I have done that too, sometimes as a defense mechanism and sometimes out of sheer disinterest.  Well, who is to blame either the boy or the girl because we have grown up looking at everything so objectively, that we forget to notice we are not a Company’s shares and hence there is more to every boy and every girl … more than just a face value.

When I met my husband for the first time at that Café, I too went with preconceived notions as you all do today.  Hence expected to spend no more than 30 minutes, and then just as absorbed I was in my own world, unknowingly in the next 90 minutes we became a part of each other’s world … Something clicked! Yes it did! We clicked! J

No matter what they tell you it happens. Your parents may try to talk you out of it but it does … that click … J When you are least expecting it. This may sound totally filmy to you but take a good look at your life and you will realize that all those good things that have happened to you were never planned... they just happened to you when you least expected J

Credit your parents for putting you on to such a dating spree that helps you meet all the wrong ones before Mr. Right comes along. Look at every boy you meet like a new book you are browsing through… you never know... that book could just be for you to keep … J

Here is a scene from my all-time favorite movie, Hitch... No matter where, no matter when, no matter who ... Every guy has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet ... just needs the right broom ;)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzixdS-qWn8

 

 

Mala Sasu Havi (I want a Mother in-law - Literal translation)

No no ... This isn’t about that Marathi serial on TV nor is it a demand or a request for proposals ... It’s about a family member I miss the most … My Mother In-law :)


As I was about to get married many of my friends told me I was lucky to not have one ... I wasn’t sure whether to rejoice or lament … I chose the third option … ignore ;)

I definitely don’t mean to demean or mock them, for I have heard all of their experiences … good, bad and ugly … But after a year and a month into my marriage I have started to miss the relationship that I have the misfortune of never experiencing. Well, here I am, the only woman in my family surrounded by the best men … my loving and ever- patient husband and an extremely supporting and jovial father in-law ... and of course my pets too … (yeah they too are men ;)) Simba and Shalom … But I still miss her and wonder how it would be, had she been with us today …

Would we be friendly with each other … and joke and laugh about little things? Share recipes, learning new techniques, go shopping and gossip over a cup of coffee? OR would there be a clash of titans just like the Saas – bahu sagas on T.V.? What I regret the most is I would never be able to hear the stories that only a mother can share about her son … I would never know how Chinmay was as a baby … would he keep her up, what were his favourite stories, did she sing him a lullaby, which one was it, what made him smile or cry as a baby, how was his first day at school, his awkward years what fascinated or repelled him … what made him the man he is today … Of course Chinmay does share a lot of his stories with me but there always are certain stories that only a mother would remember and can share with her Daughter in-law …

I know she loved animals as much as I do and had a large circle of friends with whom she would go for movies at times; would she introduce me to her circle of friends and include me in their movie outings? I know she was an excellent cook; would she share her secret recipes? I also know she was a strong woman who wouldn’t take no for an answer … she was a fighter …. Would she support and stand by me in the decisions I take as a woman …Well, I will never know …

All that talk of equality and being friends with your husband is ok, but a woman can definitely understand a woman better … Just as they say that the worst enemy of a woman is a woman herself, so is she your confidante… when you are new to the house, her presence makes you comfortable, she is the link between you and the other relatives. She introduces you to the family traditions than some close Aunty informing (read: lecturing) those when you already have committed a blunder! She helps you drape the sari perfectly so you can look your best for whatever the occasion and she doesn’t boast about it. Every time she looks at you she reminds herself of how she was as a new bride and does everything to put you at ease. And of course, she also comforts you in “those days” … :)

She can actually see a lot of things that the men in the house tend to overlook … I have seen a lot of mother in laws and I hoped to have one … rather the thought that I don’t want one or didn’t want one or shouldn’t have one never crossed my mind… every time I pictured my life after marriage, I would have the whole bunch next to me, just like the Hum Saath Saath Hain type of movies. I have seen my grandmothers, my mother & aunt in the role of a mother in law and I have always wanted to have one. She is a staunch support because she sees things from a woman’s perspective. Some of you may differ saying there is always a comparison of “during their times” and these days, they may crib and complaint but they take everything in their stride. What wrong is it if the mother in law expects the house or the kitchen to run in a certain way? She has lived her life there, can we as “new entrants” first understand their ways, see if it matches ours and if it doesn’t suit ours speak to her just as we speak to our Ma …

Dear Daughters in law,

She is after all your husband’s mother; she has trusted you with her son. Trust her and see how beautiful the relationship between a mother in law and daughter in law can become.

Can you not trust & open up? Think about it woman … and Thank God if you have one …. I miss mine :)

Questions Galore ...

Since the day I’ve been hitched everyone’s asking me this one question, “So … does life change after getting engaged?”  Now if the question comes from a bachelor or a bachelorette, I can definitely give a first person account of how and what. But what bowls me over is when a very married person asks me this question! I try to look deep in their eyes and facial expressions to decipher whether this was rhetorical or are they actually looking for an answer. But my efforts are futile as they wear a vacant expression and the otherwise expressive eyes bear a faraway look!

To answer that question once and for all AND to all … married or otherwise … Yes, life does take a somersault :) You smile more often than before and the reason … is him :) You suddenly look different and others also notice this pleasant change in you :) Every song you’ve had in your play-list become dedications and they are all for one special person, rather it feels that all those songs were written keeping the two of you in mind, and although you feel foolish for thinking so, you find it hopelessly romantic! :) You want to spend every waking moment with each other and make every “bahana” (excuse) to catch up after work. He joins you for a very early morning walk and surprises his folks at home coz he never wakes up before the sun comes knocking on the window!

Now for anyone who has been there done that must be smiling to themselves thinking of those wonderful days! The days when he comes just to drop you home to spend those extra 30 mins with you! He comes to see you off when you are going away for a business assignment, not that you’ve never travelled alone but now you will always have him as your chaperone! Everything that you do is somehow because of him. You are free to think that all this sounds like a college kid fallen in love for the first time … well then how exactly do you describe being head over heels for that special someone…? :)

The other question that pops up is whether it’s a love or an arranged marriage. And shamelessly people show their disappointment at the mention of an arranged marriage! Does it have to be a love marriage for the couple to be interesting or fun loving for that matter? How we easily forget that we girls have forever fantasized just as Kajol did about the “Andekha Anjana” who will woo us in his own sweet and naughty ways? In fact the romance, the mystery and the love only grows with each passing day in an arranged set up. The getting to know each other process starts only once you are formally engaged and then begins an affair of a lifetime …  full of sweet surprises,  of a whole lot of first times, of stolen exchanges, of the unlimited miss you moments and  never ending I love yous … :)

And yes, it’s not always this rosy. There are moments when you are surprised or shocked too in this getting to know process. You may have had a different picture of your beloved but he or she may have traits which may be different than anyone you’ve known so far, but you learn to love and live with those too … and I cannot find a better way to put it but in my fiance’s very own words … “There is nothing that I didn’t like about you so far, it’s just that I haven’t met anyone from a such a vivid circle of life but just as you said .. I’ll get used to it :)” 

This brings me to all the questions that we two have in our minds. How will she/ he be? Will we be compatible just as we look we are today? Will we continue to have this kind of understanding in the future? Will we be able to make up after our fights and if so, how? Will we keep each other and our families happy? Will this frankness & friendship we have today change our equation once we are married? Will all our friends who warn us of frustrating times be right about those? Will we make it through all the trials, turbulence, fear & frustrations that life throws at us? Will we rejuvenate our love in all the joy, laughter and happiness? The questions in our minds are endless and each day unfolds an answer to these questions …  

Just as the questions pop up, we turn another page of the story … :)

Please read the instructions carefully!

An astrologer asked my mother to warn me about the boy I'm going to marry! Warn... yeah .. warn! He warned me that I should take good care of him because he is a simple guy..."Saadhaa aani Saral" as we say in Marathi. That warning kind of irritated me. From the moment that things have clicked between me and him, everyone has been warning me about this... Reason: I am too 'bold' and 'forward' than he is!
Now, I've met him only 4 times out of which, 2 times with both of our family members surrounding us. If I couldn't, I wonder, how could everyone figure how "Saadhaa" he really is???

My Aai's (mother's) instructions top the list! "Don't do this, don't do that. Don't say this else he would think you are too modern. Don't wear those clothes, he wouldn't appreciate them. Touch elder's feet & seek blessings, to show them respect, this way you'll earn some brownie points (as per Indian standards)." Last one but the worst of all... "Unless you are formally engaged don't hang out too much! You shouldn't even sms him often, else you'll be termed too "desperate" and he would lose all "interest"!!"
Trust me there is no dearth of instructions once you get hitched in an arranged marriage set up.

I am not myself, if I don't speak my mind. I am not myself, if I don't wear a certain kind of clothes I have been comfortable in. I am not myself, if I don't choose whom and how to show respect.

In an age where our parents bring us girls up just as they bring our brothers up, how fair is it then to mould her into the cast she was always a misfit in? It really makes me want to question all Indian men, do they want a wife who is such a puppet? Or would they prefer to let her be herself and respect her for who she is? If the men can have their way, why can't women?
Do not mistake my thoughts to be any different than your sister's or your girlfriends', I am sure they would agree when I say that girls in India, no matter how educated the family, are brought up with a mindset that they have to leave their father's house. Its like they are trained in their father's house and the In-laws' house is where they are put to test, failing which, the mother is blamed for a lousy job done!

Who says life doesn't come with instructions... just get hitched ... the instructions manual will be delivered at your doorstep!


P.S.: I got all my questions, answered! ... Thankfully, there is NO change request! 
Thanks Chinmay... I couldn't have found a better match than you! :)

The Ex-Men!

Yes, you must have guessed what this one is about... Our Ex-men or women... a.k.a. ex boyfriend or girlfriend. Being a woman I will certainly target the opposite sex. Criticism is welcome :)

Recently I've been nursing a broken heart... a friend's to make it clear (don't get any wrong notions ;)) and our conversation is what triggered this post... 

There are all kinds of Ex-es... but the ones I have come across in my circle of friends are 3 kinds :

1. The ones who live & let live, once everything between you two is over.

2. The ones who can be friends after both have moved on

3. The ones who cant live with you but can’t live without you either.

With the first kinds, the rules are set and they honour those rules! There is an unspoken agreement where neither of the partners pop -up like a jack in the box. No surprises, no stalking on the social networking sites or otherwise... :) You can actually start a new life without any blast from the past. 

The second types are the kinds you probably have been friends with. They too give you the required space and you both know that you will continue to like and respect each other and be there for each other too ... only with a different equation than before. Again, this is like sitting on a bomb, unless, you are very sure that your ex is not like 'Ross Geller' who was always truly, madly and deeply in love and you fail to see him hurt every time you go out with a new date! 

The third types are the worst of all... they break all the promises given to you ... that's why they break up with you thinking they just didn't see you "that" way. You separate graciously wishing them good luck.  You are full of bright hopes of a colourful life ahead and thank God, that things with this one didn't work because then life would circle around him all the time. Not that you wouldn't like it to, but that would exhaust you like a donkey after a hard days work! Well yeah a "donkey" ... Remember how they say... Love is blind, deaf and dumb ... it makes you just that when you put your partners needs before yours ... :) So lets call this kind the "third man", shall we?

A few months pass and you move on in your life. The third man too is busy with his life and moved on; at least that's what you hope. Little do you ever think that all this while he has been soul searching and in a deep end of his soul filled with his own wants & worries, he realises that you have always been the ray of hope through his darkest hour and his biggest fan when he was in spotlight!  He jump starts to pour his heart out ... again ... He says things you've been waiting to hear during your days together ... And then just like in the movies, your heart melts ... rather it starts singing "Dilbara" in a dream sequence like Ali's in Dhoom ... from getting married and having kids to growing old together. But then your dream bubble bursts spilling his emotional vomit all over you and you realise that this Third man is either in one of "those" days or simply drunk! ;) He has done this before and he does it again. Many a times, you feel like giving it back just like Kareena does in Jab We Met ... right until "Tere Maa kiii ....." but being a mature individual you decide to just let him ramble on and forget it as soon as the dawn breaks. 

The third man is, obviously, the worst kind of Ex, anyone can have. And its not just for men, this is true in case of women as well. Playing an agony aunt for many of my friends and colleagues, I can easily say that men and women are no different than each other, they both fall in & out of love, go boo hoo - mad at the world... I'm sure you will all agree... after all we all have a heart that has loved and lost .... and found love again ... :)

P.S. Here is a song dedicated to all the Ex-es ... :) 

The Show Is Over Say Goodbye ... (Take A Bow - Madonna)

“19”

A Second Chance ...

Many of us while giving away what comes free … advice … say this “Life does not give you a second chance”. But we all secretly wish it does… for any reason … it could be for that most coveted job interview, for that one rock concert you wanted to attend but couldn’t, for that exam in which you fell short of writing that one answer, for the hurt you caused someone that you wish to heal, for pleading one more time to your parents to see things your way, for that incomplete relationship that you have forever longed to complete …

Many a times life does give you a second chance, but we are so blinded by our ego, our past, our image in the social circles that we turn a blind eye to every sign that says here’s your chance … make the most of it! Even if you want to contemplate that second chance you waste too much time dipping the scales that you either lose momentum or you conclude that it’s just not worth it!! But then again, how would you know if it is worth it or not if you don’t give it a shot? What’s the worst that could happen….? Your life would not change the way you expected … and that’s the fear we all live in. How easily we forget all the little risks that we take in our day to day lives … going to work in crowded trains and buses, investing our hard earned money by trusting a stranger from the bank to invest them properly, by quitting your job to pursue what you really think is your calling, from moving to different cities … isn’t life itself about these little risks we take?

When it comes to relationships it’s a funny game … many a times it’s from everyone involved and sometimes only a one sided affair. They say reel life imitates real life. Karan Johar’s movies especially talk of a lot of expression of love, forgiveness and togetherness. I wonder how these characters muster up the courage to speak, no wait, pour their hearts out to that person who means the world to them. I wonder if real life can ever imitate that! There must be few optimistic people, who do take that chance, I’m sure they do … and make the most of it! Even if it doesn’t work out they are content in knowing they gave it their best shot and smile …

This reminds me the movie, The Runaway Bride, where Ike (Richard Gere) knowing Maggie’s (Julia Roberts) history of being the runway bride proposes her. She eventually doesn’t treat him any different than the earlier grooms; however, once she realizes that he is the one for her she chooses those very words to take that second chance and says, “Look, I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you're the only one for me.” With a proposal like that, who would not want to give it a second thought?

Of all my favourite artists, I have always found Michael Jackson to be the one who knows best how to put his point across very well and here I am going to make you listen to his songs …. One More Chance …

This is what he sings ..

This time gonna do my best to make it right
Can't go on without you by my side
Hold on
Shelter come and rescue me out of this storm
And out of this cold I need someone
Oh why oh why why why
If you see her
tell her this from me
All I need is
One more chance at love

Give it a sincere listen and take that chance …. :) 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQcfGWo3GSI&feature=player_embedded

Her First Valentines ... :)

It was just another January morning as she got down from the train at the station with her friends to go to college. After the regular See ya Laters” with her friends from other colleges she proceeded on to hers with her suburban friend. She was a crazy fan of pop-music and needless to add crazier for the King Of Pop. She even wore her MJ t-shirt to college. She knew people noticed her when she wore that t-shirt but little did she know that it would also become the reason she would meet her first love!


They had seen each other before but she never gave him a second look or a second thought because she knew he was out of her league… he was handsome! Nevertheless, on that January day she wore the same shirt and he noticed her… He followed her all the way till her college with one of his batch mates as they laughed and mocked at her MJ t-shirt. Unsure because of the traffic noise around, she sensed someone following her… she thought of him but she knew she wasn’t one of those good looking girls for a boy to chase. But as fate had thought it differently than her, she turned around to see him and was pleasantly surprised :)

This became sort of a routine since that day and she too would look around for him at the station, in the college, near his class, at the college hang-out… well, almost everywhere! She liked the attention that she received from the boy who she thought was the most handsome she’d seen. What added life to her dull existence was the fact that she was the focus of his attention despite all the other pretty girls in college who would do anything to hang around a senior! A couple of weeks passed this way until one day a sweet misunderstanding gave the boy the courage to approach her and ask her if they could be friends…

She hesitated a bit but inside her was something that also wanted to know more about this boy. The routine then changed to the stolen glances, sweet smiles and changing schedules… yes he did … he used to change his schedules just to match her class timings …

There was something familiar about him because she was herself surprised at the ease she felt with this stranger like she felt with no one before … not even with an acquaintance! Now she too felt like she was one of the pretty looking girls from her college who was worthy of a man’s love! The void left by her grandma’s death was easily filled with the boy’s attention and love… but being a typical Libran she started dipping her scales of ‘May-bes’ and ‘May-not-bes’ until one fine day just as unexpectedly, as he came in her life, he popped the question. She wanted to smile and say ‘Yes!’ but she held back because she didn’t want to take the plunge and change her plans … she just wasn’t ready! But that inner voice didn’t let her stay put and just a week before Valentines she knew she had met the boy she was going to marry someday … Her life was never the same again … :)

They later separated for the reasons known best to them but every Valentines Day she remembers what her first Valentine card said …

“Sometimes sentimental words are very hard to say…
And that’s why I appreciate occasions like today,
For it’s a chance to tell you, what you surely know is true …
That no one could love anyone more than I Love you!"